Maybe I Need to Get Myself a New Teddy Bear?!?

 This is what I was reading this evening...

http://www.firstourselves.org/2012/missing-link-overeating/

It just makes me want a good cuddle with one of my kids, or Trevor, or a teddy bear!! lol

p.s. I'm listening to the first lesson in session four right now (its an audio recording by Karly) - and I LOVE it so much.  She is just so enjoyable to listen to - so peaceful and encouraging and understanding.  I just want give her a big hug every time I listen to her!  :)   Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am on to session four ... I'll keep you posted!

I'll be back

A few have you have left comments in the last few days wondering where I've been. I really appreciate that. Christmas was rough... No, scratch that ... Christmas was wonderful!!! We had a great time. I may have eaten a lot and really enjoyed myself, lol!! Now that January is here, I know I need to get my butt in gear, and I've started by going on the treadmill a few times for a walk. That's been good. It's been interesting approaching the holiday season and especially the new year with this new attitude of trying to love myself ... It's a whole new concept!!!
Unfortunately now I'm sick... UGH!!! So I'm going to cut myself a little slack for now. I will get back to this Asap. But I just wanted to say thank you for checking in on me. I appreciate it!!

Also?? I made this post on my iPhone using voice text-- I didn't type a word of it-- just spoke the words into my phone and added punctuation!! Amazing, eh!?!?!?

Be Kind...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" ~Plato
 
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS LONG AND PROBABLY SOMEWHAT DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW, AS IT WAS WRITTEN AT 4 AM AND WAS WRITTEN MORE AS A JOURNAL ENTRY THAN AS SOMETHING INTENDED FOR OTHERS TO READ)

Karly has all kinds of great quotes in the program I'm doing, and that's one I liked tonight.  Everyone has something they're dealing with. 

I have been realllllly beating myself up this  week - a by-product of  PMS, I think.  And so, when I woke  up at 4:00 with Elan tonight (this morning?), and I was laying in bed, feeling fat, fat, fat - (also by-product of PMS), I decided to come to my laptop and read one of my lessons.  It lead me back to a worksheet from week two on the topic of honesty.  Karly told us to take a few minutes to journal about the following things:

1. Wanting to be advanced and not a beginner
2. Trying to rush your process
3. Playing your edge (referring to something we'd just been learning about before)

I have to say - that is exactly what I'm kinda struggling with right now.  I have only gained weight in the past weeks while working on this new system.  And I know that that is normal, because we are learning to show ourselves compassion first, and then starting to work on how to stop binging and stuff - but I'm only on lesson two - so all I've been learning about is showing myself compassion - which doesn't help you lose weight! haha.  So, I need to focus on pushing through and not beating myself up for exactly the things that she mentioned above - for not being advanced yet and for going to slowly.
Number three above is the one I need to work on in order to really change - playing your edge is referring to picking the things you think you can actually work on each day to make a change.  What I had chosen in the first place was to have no more than three sweet treats a day (like three little chocolates total) and to start exercising again.  I did that for a very short time, but have not continued it.  So, I need to get back to it - or pick a new "edge"  - that place for me that I think is do-able, but also a little uncomfortable, causing me to make a small change from where I'm at right now.  Since it is only three days till Christmas, this is a bit tough.  I want to enjoy the holiday season, without a bunch of self-yelling or anything like that.  I also don't really want to gain 10 pounds in the next 10 days (a very possible reality) - so, I need to figure out what that edge is for me this week. 

Hmmmm.

I think getting  back into doing a little exercise each day is doable - even just a 15 minute walk each day.  And as far as food goes - just for this Christmas season... write it down? (Not permanently, mind you...i've already learned that that doesn't work for me!)  But just as a safety mechanism to get me through without a 10 pound gain?

I haven't weighed myself for well over a month.  And now, I'm a little afraid to - but also, I don't really see the point. I know I've gained a bit, and I'm trying to change. What does that number really matter?  I can tell by looking at myself and by how my clothes fit what is going on with my weight - whether its a gain, a loss, or a stay... I'm thinking (because of the PMS!) that I should not get on the scale this week either.

Oh, and a third part to that edge I think should be to spend a little time each day just going back to my lessons and worksheets and stuff.

This sounds like a lot of work.  Maybe I'm being too tough on myself for December 22nd.  Hmmmm.
I'm going to think about making a realistic "edge" and maybe report back here in the morning (haha, cuz its 5:05 right now, and I've been awake for an hour, and my alarm is going off at 6:35 so I can walk on my treadmill... sigh)

Okay, that was a whole load of babbling - but I guess thats what I'm supposed to do.  Karly said "spend 15 minutes journaling" about those three things I listed above, and I guess I just did!!  It just seems much longer and less interesting than a normal blog post... but I guess thats what I said I was going to do - use this blog as my journal!

And, since you don't proof read journal entries, I'm not going to even proof read this!
(Sorry)

P.S. I have thought about it, and decided against the goal of writing down what I eat - that is one I never seem to be able to do, and so it would be setting myself up for failure.  Not a good plan.  Instead, my "edge" that she wants me to find will be to try to impliment the self-compassion when about to eat something I know I shouldn't (this is a long story, I'll maybe explain to you all sometime)... but for now, its enough to say that that is my plan for the holidays. 
P.P.S If you're still reading this... wow.  haha

WHY I am doing this in the first place...

I think its important to note that I am not doing this because I want to lose weight and be 140 pounds (which is supposedly in the middle-ish of my healthy weight range).   That's actually not it at all.  If I could stay at this weight where I am right now (about 40 pounds over that), I would actually be okay with that too.  Its the fluctuating that I hate.  And the constantly obsessing about it and thinking about it.  That drives me nuts.  It was about last September when I realized - DUDE! You only have so many years to live on this earth.  I do NOT want to spend all of my time here obsessing about my body!  What a waste! There is so much more to think about - so much more good to be done.  My brain could be thinking about so much other stuff, instead of counting calories all day long or berating myself for eating something I shouldn't have or fantasizing about what I'll eat next. 
Trevor, my dear husband, is quite the opposite of me in this respect.  He eats when he's hungry.  He eats WHATEVER he wants.  He stops when he's full or just past it.  His metabolism is through the roof.  He has been 150 lbs since I met him 15 years ago.  He has had the flu a few times and been down to like 147 and has started working out every now and then to build muscle, and gotten up to perhaps 155, but that is it!  No more than a 10 pound fluctuation in 15 years!?!?!  And the kicker is that he doesn't even think about it.  He has all of his brain space to spend not even worrying one stitch about what he's going to eat or not eat or how many calories something has.  SIGH.
So, I am not here to lose weight - but to try to rearrange my thinking about food and about myself.  I love the program I'm doing (http://www.firstourselves.org/) because it is teaching me to start out by loving myself where I'm at.  To be thankful for what I have.  And to not spend all my time (or any time!) yelling at myself in my head.  I am loving that.  And yes, I have gained a bit of weight as I'm learning not to yell at myself all the time - but that doesn't actually bother me that much.  I just want to work through this and try to learn to be kind to myself and perhaps find a way of eating and a lifestyle that makes me happy and that is also healthy.  Here's hoping I can make it there - at least it doesn't hurt to dream...

And also?

I feel as though my progress with the "Heal Overeating: Untangled" (or First Ourselves) has been quite s-l-o-w and I know it is because I haven't been dedicating enough time/effort/attention to working on it.  I bought it two months ago, and have only just started week three of the program.  In the beginning, I was advised to get some accountability, or rather, support partners to help me out.  I kinda chickened out and didn't really try too hard to set something official up for that, and I can tell that that wasn't smart of me. 
SO, like i said in the post below, I think I'm going to use this blog as a place to journal my thoughts (we're supposed to have a journal for this process, but MAN does writing ever take longer than typing!)  and I'm going to ask a few friends to kinda check up on me here every now and then, and also just in general I will know that I have friends who are reading here every now and then as well.
So, I'm going to post this, then post a link to it on facebook to remind people that this blog exists, since I've been ignoring it for like a year, and then I'm going to make myself post here on a somewhat regular basis.  And also, I'm going to perhaps start over with my 12 week program.  And try to actually do each week in a week or two, rather than in a month!  :)
Okay, here we go!

First Ourselves

Hello!  I am thinking about using this blog again in the next while, so I stopped by here this evening to see what its looking like.  :)  If any of you are interested in what I have been up to weight-watching-wise in the past while, you can check out what I've been working on since October at http://www.firstourselves.org/ - I have actually purchased the 12 week program called "Heal Overeating: Untangled" and so far I am really appreciating the new outlook it is helping me to have towards food, overeating, and just myself in general.
One major part of what I'm supposed to do is to get some support, so I'm thinking that I will use this blog partly for that, as well as asking a few people to be my official support partners.
Anyway that is where I'm hanging out these days - at firstourselves.org and just wanted to share! :)