WHY I am doing this in the first place...

I think its important to note that I am not doing this because I want to lose weight and be 140 pounds (which is supposedly in the middle-ish of my healthy weight range).   That's actually not it at all.  If I could stay at this weight where I am right now (about 40 pounds over that), I would actually be okay with that too.  Its the fluctuating that I hate.  And the constantly obsessing about it and thinking about it.  That drives me nuts.  It was about last September when I realized - DUDE! You only have so many years to live on this earth.  I do NOT want to spend all of my time here obsessing about my body!  What a waste! There is so much more to think about - so much more good to be done.  My brain could be thinking about so much other stuff, instead of counting calories all day long or berating myself for eating something I shouldn't have or fantasizing about what I'll eat next. 
Trevor, my dear husband, is quite the opposite of me in this respect.  He eats when he's hungry.  He eats WHATEVER he wants.  He stops when he's full or just past it.  His metabolism is through the roof.  He has been 150 lbs since I met him 15 years ago.  He has had the flu a few times and been down to like 147 and has started working out every now and then to build muscle, and gotten up to perhaps 155, but that is it!  No more than a 10 pound fluctuation in 15 years!?!?!  And the kicker is that he doesn't even think about it.  He has all of his brain space to spend not even worrying one stitch about what he's going to eat or not eat or how many calories something has.  SIGH.
So, I am not here to lose weight - but to try to rearrange my thinking about food and about myself.  I love the program I'm doing (http://www.firstourselves.org/) because it is teaching me to start out by loving myself where I'm at.  To be thankful for what I have.  And to not spend all my time (or any time!) yelling at myself in my head.  I am loving that.  And yes, I have gained a bit of weight as I'm learning not to yell at myself all the time - but that doesn't actually bother me that much.  I just want to work through this and try to learn to be kind to myself and perhaps find a way of eating and a lifestyle that makes me happy and that is also healthy.  Here's hoping I can make it there - at least it doesn't hurt to dream...

Ummm... I mean a Facebook GROUP!

Well, we had some issues with the facebook page and not having the privacy that we'd hoped for.  So, we changed it to being a group instead.  If you're interested in checking it out, you can click HERE to go see it.  Of course, you won't actually be able to see it unless you join, but you can request to join there if you're interested.
It looks like it might also be turning into a mini WW online, which is exciting to me.  A lot of people can't afford the real thing, so this is a chance for us to have a similar thing, without the cost.  Again, if you're interested at all, let me know and I'll make sure you are added to the group!
Just thought I'd let you know whats going on with Track and Train 2010! :)

50 Days

So, I've been hiding from you all. At first, I was hiding cuz I wasn't eating well and was steadily gaining (oh for like the past EIGHT months!) and then, I've been hiding cuz I was doing better, but scared to share about it for fear that I'd screw it up and fall off the bandwagon again and then have to admit it to you. And between those two feelings, I've ended up not blogging like I used to. And not sharing anything honestly like I should be.

So, I'm sorry about that. I've been embarrassed of my lack of perfection and of my constant failures and staying on the plan. Boo!

But, I'm tired of hiding from you! And not using my weight loss/maintenance blog for what it should be - accountability! And, so, I'm going to seriously try to be more consistent about sharing with you here.

Starting with this - I'm currently on day 39 (COUNTING BACKWARDS!) of a thing I'm calling "50 Days of Perfection." Now, I know that you're going to instantly say that I'm setting myself up for failure by calling it that - but all that means is that I'm trying for 50 days to do some exercise everyday and to write down what I eat and not use any bonus points. IF I don't do one of those things, then I don't count that day. SO, what that means is that on March 22nd, it was day 50 - I'm counting down to day one - and that i've been counting down since then - i.e. I only have 39 more days of perfection to go. So, if you do the math, you'll see that there have been about 4 days so far that I haven't counted and have had to do over.

The reason I'm doing this is that I know myself well enough to know that success breeds success for me. If I feel like I'm doing well, I'll want to continue. Setting weight loss goals does not work. But, feeling good about myself does work. And so I thought that if I did 50 days well, by the end of that I'll hopefully be feeling pretty good and have the desire to carry on. I'm about 11 pounds above my WW goal weight right now -and nine pounds above where I need to be in order to be able to go the meetings for free again. And I'd really like to eventually be there again. That's where I felt best and that's where I was when I purchased most of my current clothes and I'd really like them to fit again!! So, I'm gonna keep-a-going with the 50 days thing, and I'll try to keep you all posted about how its going, instead of suffering in silence like I have been for the past 9 months or so. :o)

Tomorrow, I'll be doing Day 39 again just because I didn't write my points down today and that is a very important part of being perfect. :o) So, I'll let you know how Day 39, Take 4 (or something) goes...

Have a good week, Friends!

Battling the Mind

So, I've said it before, but I'll say it again... its all in your mind. I can't believe how much my thinking affects my perception of myself, which affects how I act and what I eat and whether I exercise - i.e. I have felt like a failure and therefore when I look in the mirror, I see nothing but fat, and so I eat whatever to comfort myself and don't even bother to exercise.
I KNOW.
It sounds stupid.
But that is the way my brain works and I know its the way a lot of people's brains work - sadly.
So, yesterday, I went to a WW meeting and I didn't want to pay to weigh in cuz I'd already done my weigh in for January, but I decided to be brave and get on the scale before I went. I almost didn't cuz I thought I'd probably gained about 5 pounds over the past 3 weeks -because that's what I thought and I convinced myself when I looked in the mirror that I looked 4 pounds heavier and everything.
But I was brave, and got on that scale, and guess what? I haven't gained anything - at all! I am exactly the same weight I was 3 weeks ago.
I was shocked. Really shocked. And after I found that out, I went and looked in the mirror and suddenly couldn't see that extra fat! How ridiculous!

Anyway, I'm carrying on with my attempts to get my eating/exercise and weight back where I want them. I'm still 8.6 pounds above my WW official goal weight and actually about 20.6 pounds above MY goal weight for myself. I would like to get there one day - lots of people think I'm silly, but I'm not. I would really like to have that buffer between MY goal weight and my WW goal weight, so that if something happens and I start to gain like I have over the past 7 months, that my high weight would still be a healthy weight for me - and one that I can still go to the WW meetings for free!

Okay, so todays points (23 total):
Mini wheats -3
Treadmill +2
yogurt & crackers -2
muffin & cheese -4
coffee -1
1/2 grilled cheese and veggies & elan's leftover icecream cone -5
supper-4
vitamuffin -1
WORK +2
spaghetti and veggies at 11 pm -5
vitamuffin and icecream -3
LEFT: -1

Trying to Track Again

I have been spinning my wheels this month and I have a ton of emotions about it and this whole weight loss/maintenance/weight gain thing... and I have had a new post open on this blog SEVERAL times this month to come and blog about it all, but I just don't even really know what to say. I'm sooooo frustrated, but I really can't give up, or I'll just keep gaining and gaining and easily would be waay heavier than I've even been before, I can just tell.
SO, I'll keep plugging away at it. I was doing really well for the first 2 weeks of January (even lost 0.6 pounds the over the one week where I weighed in), but then our boss gave us a "Christmas Bonus" of 2 weeks of free staff meals to eat while we're working and somehow, in my mind, that translated to "there is no possible way to stay on track while having free delicious boston pizza food and now i have to lose all control"... what can i say... my though processes are just kinda wierd.
BUT, I do want to keep at it - I do want to lose weight and I really don't want to be out of control any more.
SO, I am going to do the one thing that works for me, and that is force myself to track and the only way I can do that is by posting it here for you all to see... I know, its so exciting too... sorry.
Here we go:

Points (24 total):
Froot Loops -4
yogurt -1
chocolate bar -2
latte -2
lunch -6
chocolate chips -1
v itamuffin & whip -2
LEFT: 6

An Excellent Idea

Check this article out if you have any time:
http://donmilleris.com/2010/01/01/living-a-good-story-an-alternative-to-new-years-resolutions/

Its about how making new year's resolutions rarely works, and how to "live a good story" instead - which sounds like a great idea to me. I'm going to give it some thought and try to follow his steps to planning a story for myself for this year!
:o)

Check it out!

Goals for Now

I read a WW article this morning called "18 Ways to Reward Yourself" - and it motivated me to set some goals for myself this week and also set some rewards for myself coming up here. So, here are my goals:
-to write down what i eat everyday till the END OF THE DAY - no matter what I've eaten.
Hmmm... I was planning on adding more goals, but for THIS week - just till the end of Tuesday, I think that is really it! For now, that is enough.
And as for the reward part - I think I'm going to go with putting away $10 a week that I stick to my goals - from now till the end of the biggest loser competition - and at that point, I'll hopefully have 100 dollars or so to buy myself something fun - like a pedicure and manicure or a new purse and new boots or some such frivolity! :o)
okay, that's it for now... off to bed with me!

August Week 2

WEEKLY Activity Points Earned:3,3,0,3,0,3,3
WEEKLY Flex Points Used:4,10,5,10,?,?,?
WEEKLY Water Points Earned:0,1,1,0,0,0,0
So, I guess this week I earned 11 points...
And once again, I'm happy its a new week! Man, this is tough to do during the summer, with holidays and everything! Argh...

Last Week (Which, Thankfully, is Over!)

WEEKLY Activity Points Earned:1,3,2,1,3,4,1
WEEKLY Flex Points Used:3,6,4,14,2,9,??
WEEKLY Water Points Earned:1,1,1,0,1,1,0
So, this weeks points for the competition totalled 18. I missed on 6 potential points this week, but I guess I didn't do as badly as I thought because I still got 18!! :o)
So, I don't want to know what everyone else in the competition's totals are as of today - because if I'm losing too badly, there might be some small (or even fairly substantial) part of me that decides to give up because its hopeless. So, please don't tell me your totals. The only reason I'm posting mine is because this is where I do my tracking, and that's how I do it. Sorry.

Now on to a new week in which I do much much better!!!! :o)

Welcome to August!

August has arrived, and along with it, a new competition! This time it looks like there are about 6 of us who are doing it - so its gonna be a good one! :o) WW has been a challenge for me over the past few weeks, but slowly I've been getting back on the bandwagon here - but its tough. I've been re-realizing that the name of this blog is very appropriate and I will never have actually arrived at a place where I don't have to think about watching what I eat and drink and how much exercise I do. But that's life and so I'll plug away at it and do my best. This month, that means that I'm going to try to drink 48 oz of water every day, exercise every day, write down what I eat, and try to eat with moderation - staying within my weekly flexpoints. I'd love to reach my 50 lb weight loss by the end of the month but I know that I'm not supposed to set those kinds of goals - so instead I'll work on these behavioural goals for the month and see what happens!
I've been neglecting both of my blogs a lot lately - but have recently found out that I"m going to be having more time coming up (more to follow about that - see my other blog...) and so I hope to not neglect the blogs so much anymore! Here's hoping, anyway....
So, that's that - we just got home from a weekend away, so I'd better go and continue to tidy up around here! Have a great week friends! :o)

August's Competition and Last Week's Totals

Okay, my weekly totals for last week (July 21st to 27th??) were:
WEEKLY Activity Points Earned:3,1,0,5,4,0,3
WEEKLY Flex Points Used:13,12,?,?,?,?,0
WEEKLY Water Points Earned:1,0,0,0,0,0,0

Pretty poor, but at least I'm here thinking about it. AND I succeeded in tracking yesterday and staying within my points for the first time in 16 days. So there. I did it. Now to keep at it.

Also, if you're interested at all, and haven't already told me - we have a group of people doing the little competition thingy for the month of August. I think there are about 6 of us so far - and at $5 per person, thats starting to look like a prize worth fighting for!! It'll be just like I did back in June - a point per day you track, a point per week you stay within your flex points, a point per day you do any exercise, and a point per day that you drink your 6 glasses or 48 oz of water. Winner at the end gets a $5 gift card from the rest of us from the place of their choice.

Anyone interested???

Still At It

I haven't written a real post for a whole week, but I've been here everyday tracking my points. I have officially started this challenge with my friend Amanda, and my sister, Leanne to stay on track for the whole month of June. So far, so good! I have 7 stickers on my calendar in a row, which hasn't happened in a very long time! Hooray. :o)
The 3 of us are having a little competition (with points for tracking our food daily, for exercising and for staying within our weekly flex points). Whoever is the winner actually gets a reward from the other 2, so its keeping us honest!! The competition started on June 1st, but its not too late if any of you are interested in joining us for the tracking and sticker-earning!
I'm thinking that maybe this would be fun to do every month, with different prizes as rewards for the winnner - I don't know. Maybe we'll be tired of it at the end... we'll see.
Anyway, just thought I'd say HI and let you know that the sticker challenge is offically on.

A Month of Stickers

Its a new month on the calendar today and it always inspires me to do well with my WW because I can then put stickers on the calendar - and I always think that a month full of stickers would be so nice... so here i am going to try it again - but this time I'm enlisting other people to do it with me - anyone up for it?? I say that we have some sort of reward, like the person with the most stickers will get a $5 or $10 gift card from the other people or something - this would be really fun if we had a bunch of us doing it for real - then the person who did the best would get something fun for a reward ... or something. What do you think? I think it would be a points system (since i seem to like them) like this:
every day you write your points down the whole day and stay within your target +1 point
every week you don't go over your 35 bonus points +3 or something
every 5 points of exercise you do also is +1
so in a month you'd have potential to get alot of points...
Anyone interested? you'd have to either post your daily points results as a comment here or on your own blog. I know there are at least 3 of you out there that might find this fun...
At the very least, I think I'll do this myself, and if I get oh say, 35 points this month, then I will buy myself something fun for $10 or something!
Here we go....

GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I've been yelling at myself for the past little while. I don't know if you've seen Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail or not, but I thought I'd spice this up with a little pic as well...
Yep, I need to get on with it (!!). I've been around 155 pounds for about 2 months now and I UNDERSTAND that that is a pretty good weight to be and that there are a bazillion people in the world that would LOVE to be that weight etc. etc. etc.

However.
I am not those people and I have my own particular journey that I'm working on and staying at the same weight for this long IS. NOT. ACCEPTABLE. I am only 3.2 pounds away from the goal I first set for myself last year - that is the weight at which attending weight watchers meetings will be free for me again. I have been "so close, yet so far away" for way too stinking long!

So.
I have decided that I'm going to make myself go to weight watchers every week (and pay for it every week) until I've reached 152 pounds (my next goal). Normally, I only go once a month, but that doesn't seem to have been working for me and if I know that it is costing me ... and a lot! every week, then I might be more motivated to GET ON WITH IT.

Having said that - I made this decision yesterday and I did not do the most fantastic today. I have been trying to limit what I eat and trying to drink my water, but I did not write down what I ate and I actually was not able to exercise. But, I am still motivated and think that the sooner I lose these 3.2 pounds the less money it'll cost me.

So, my goals are as follows:
~to drink water a lot. I usually don't include this in my goals, but I'm thinking it might keep me from eating too much or choosing coffee with cream instead.
~to start writing down what I'm eating (but man, that's gonna be hard cuz I'm so totally addicted to eating right now... but i can do it - i've done it before and i'll do it again).
~to come here and blog about it alot
~to try to exercise as often as possible

And that's that.

((My sister just got here and we're gonna go watch a movie. :o) (without binging, I hope)))

This Really Spoke To Me Today

Please go check out this article about our obsession with the scale, and our weight. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I didn't go to WW yesterday cuz I knew the scale wasn't gonna show a loss - but I've been doing really well the past few weeks as far as exercise and lifestyle change goes. So, I'm going to go with the above mentioned article - which you should really really go see - and say that the lifestyle changes and exercise are more important than a scale telling me that my body mass is half a pound less than the week before. That is only one way to measure.
So - go read that article (you can click on the word article here and it will take you right to it... for those of you who didn't know)!

REASON TEN - To Be In Control

I hate the feeling of being out of control. Like when I'm in the kitchen at 10 pm and not actually hungry, but am stuffing my face like a maniac while no one is watching. I am not in control at that point. Or while I'm preparing supper and then cleaning up after supper, the constant picking at the food and snitch, snitch, snitching. It drives me nuts. I drive myself nuts doing that. And I am not in control.

When I am living out of control, I gain weight. Or at least certainly don't lose weight. I think about food constantly and, I am embarrassed to admit, often hide what I'm eating from other people. I act like an addict. Because thats what I am - a food addict. It amazes me how much I can identify with friends I have or have had who are trying to recover from other addictions - drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. I think that the behaviours of addicts are in many ways universal. You just substitute what the object of the addiction is.

That is one reason that I have named this blog "A Lifelong Journey" - because I know that I will have to be working at this forever. I'm not just here for the weight loss - I'm here because of my addiction to food. This will be something I have to be conscious of all the days of my life.

So, the last reason on my top ten list is that I want to be in control. It feels good to be in control - not to have the food control me, but for me to control it. Things like throwing away the last 2 bites of cheese burger because I'm not hungry anymore, or not snitching brownie batter while I'm baking them because I don't have the points for it, or getting on the treadmill to jog even when I totally don't feel like it - because I know it is good for me and healthy for me and I will feel better when I'm done jogging. Those are things I never would have imagined would make me feel good - or that I could even do. But I have done them more and more lately and am amazed at how great I feel as a result.

Its funny cuz Trevor said to me a few weeks ago "You know what is most attractive about the new you, Colleen? ... Its your self-control."

Huh.

Not how I look!

Nice. Cuz, truthfully, having self-control is probably one of my most important reasons for me to be doing this. So I'm glad that its working.

I WILL KEEP ON GOING!! Only 3.6 pounds till I can go to WW for free! 5.6 pounds till my WW goal weight, about 11 pounds till I pass my lowest weight ever, and 17.8 pounds till my ultimate goal. I CAN DO IT!

REASON NINE - To Shop In Regular Stores

For most of my life (since, I don't know, maybe grade 9?), I have been a size 16 or 18. There were a couple of years there that I was probably more like a 20. As a result, I did most of my shopping in high school and after at Cotton Ginny Plus, and other similar type places - stores that were merged with "normal size" clothes, so I wouldn't feel like I was shopping in a plus sized store - but really I was shopping in plus sized stores. And for pretty much my whole life, I couldn't just go into stores like Suzy Sheer, Smart Set, La Senza, Le Chateau, Bootlegger, the Gap, and others - except maybe for a freak chance where a size XL would be hiding somewhere and would just maybe fit me. Shopping was always stressful, never fun, and always made me feel fat and bad about myself. (As a side note, I think that's probably why I'm not a "girly" shopper - I don't like to linger and shop around and try things on. The first thing I try that works is the one I go home with. This bugs my mom, but I just can't stand spending an entire day in a mall. Drives me nuts. Sorry Mom)
ANYWAY, as I started to lose weight on Weigh Down (back in 2001) and then again on WW in 2006, I started to see that there is hope that one day I'll be able to go into a store, grab my size, and hardly have to try it on. And this has actually happened to me recently a few times. I bought my size Medium exercise clothes without even trying them on. And a few other things too. Crazy.
So, being able to shop with more ease and at "regular" stores is one of the huge perks and motivaters for me on this journey. I'm loving being closer to my goal weight and finding things to fit. Actually, a new problem is arising - and that is that very often, the size Medium clothes are the ones that sell first, and so I'm finding that my size is usually the one that is missing first in the store (wheras, size XL seems to be more easy to find...) But I'll take that problem anyday. :o)
Anyway, I'm looking forward to when I finally am at my FINAL goal (which is 138 lbs, by the way). I'm going to go on a huge shopping spree. In the cool stores. LE CHATEAU here I come! I never even used to have the self-confidence to step into Le Chateau... so dumb. So, I will go into those stores and I will buy the rockinest outfits ever. All I have to do is KEEP ON GOING. I can do this.

REASON EIGHT - To Be Like Leanne

I know I recently did a whole post on this - so I'm not gonna reapeat myself here. But I wrote this 'top 10 reaons I want to lose weight' list back in January, before I wrote that other post. And its true - it motivates me a lot to want to look like Leanne and to know that if my sister can be thin, so can I (DAGNABIT!) because we have the exact same genes. There's no reason I can't be the same as her - and I will be soon.
:o)

REASON SEVEN - For My Health

You know, you hear it all the time that being overweight causes a ton of health problems, but as an overweight person, that didn't really get through to me. It was only after I started to lose the weight the first time around that I realized that this would be good for my health for real. That and exercising - I'm so glad that I'm starting to get into it, because I just keep hearing more and more how keeping trim and exercising will help you to live longer and avoid a ton of different health problems. So, I can now say that my health is actually a motivator for me to continue to do this right.
I saw an awesome episode of Oprah during the week of her "Oprah's Best Life" series, where they talked about Health as the topic - you can read more about it by clicking here. I still have the episode saved on my DTVR because it was so interesting and informative. There is so much I don't know about my body and science and whats good for me. Its something I'm starting to become more and more interested in.
Anyway, our health is actually very important - I think we all tend to put it last - but if we don't take care of our bodies, and they fail us - all of the other priorities would be for nothing. We need these bodies we're in and so we must treat them with care.

p.s. Is what you want at the moment best for your body? Don't give up what you want most!!!

REASON SIX - For My Husband

I know that losing weight for other people is the wrongest possible motivation and so I'd just like to clarify that I obviously have many of my OWN reasons for this weight loss - as you can see from the 8 out of 10 reasons I'll be listing that have nothing to do with other people! :o) Also, you all know cuz I've said it before that Trevor is totally supportive of me and never has made me feel like I had to lose weight in order to be beautiful to him or anything silly like that. He totally loves me no matter what. (And I know that cuz I weighed much much more than I do now when he met me and when we were dating and when we got married!!!) So, that is awesome for me.
But still, I want to be the kind of wife that he is proud to show off (and of course, he'll always say that he's always been proud to show me off... ) but you know - its in my head to want to make him proud. ((if you haven't read yesterday's post about his co-worker not recognizing me, you should - its a good example of me being happy to make Trevor proud)). And secondly, I want to lose weight to be more ... well... (all family members please PLUG YOUR EARS!) ... to be more sexy. shhh. Don't tell anyone I said that. :o) But its true that losing weight and having more confidence are a definite bonus and I'm just saying...
And thirdly in this area - I've ALWAYS weighed more than Trevor excepting for a few months right before I got pregnant with Elan - and I've always wished to be "his little woman" if you know what I mean. And so, that is something else I'm motivated to work towards. I weigh 155.8 right now and as I've mentioned, he's usually 150 - but max 155 - so I'm ALMOST there again. And the day I weigh less than him, I'm gonna have a little party - cuz that's always been something I've wanted.
So, those are my thoughts about my motivation to lose weight in relation to my husband.
AND REMEMBER...
:o)
hee hee, I don't think I even have to type it - cuz you all know what I'm going to say!!

LETS NOT GIVE UP WHAT WE WANT MOST FOR WHAT WE WANT AT THE MOMENT!

Happy Wednesday Friends.