P.S.

I added a fancy weightloss ticker down at the bottom - it is new, and it is starting from the point I'm at right now, this week.  So, it doesn't take any past weight loss into account at all.  I'm just starting here (at 173 pounds) and shooting to lose 25 pounds, down to 148.  I don't have a timeframe set for that... but I'm hoping that I will just start to slowly lose and continually lose till I'm there - no more gaining for me!!! That is the most important thing to me right now.

SMART goal for this week

I weighed in a TOPS last night - lost 0.2 this week.  Guess that's something.  But what I'm here to share is that this week's SMART goal for me is: TO TRACK WHAT I EAT!!!  This has been on my list of goals for a verry verrrrrry long time, but I haven't done it for more than a day here or a day there for the past few months.  I've been rocking the exercise lately, and I know that if I were to actually get my eating under control, the pounds would just melt away because of the exercise I've been doing. 
I've been trying to use WW online to track and for some reason, that's not really working for me.  So, I'm now trying out myfitnesspal.com - which, incidentally, is FREE OF CHARGE!!! Why would I ever stick with WW online and pay money when I could do the same thing for free at myfitnesspal?? I don't know. 
So, this day, today is the first day that i am actually tracking everything - and I'm doing it over there at myfitnesspal.  If you're on there, feel free to add me - colleen_p is me.  I'd love to have you there with me.  :)
And I will report back here on how the tracking is doing - I really really wanna stick with it this time.

SMART Goals

I just read this post HERE about setting SMART goals for oneself.  I found it inspiring and so, I'd like to do the same.  SMART goals are: Specific, Motivational, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound and they are something I haven't set for myself in a very, VERY long time.
I have to say that I joined TOPS last week, and while I'm somewhat excited about the support aspect of that, I have done nothing - NOTHING differently this week to try to lose weight.  Like, no exercise, no tracking of eating (for more than 3 hours each day anyway), and not a lot of restriction on treats and stuff.  And I am hating myself for it, and thinking - if joining a new weight loss program has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to motivate me, what will?? Ugh.
I think that perhaps setting extremely small goals for myself would be a start.  So, I will brainstorm about that here.  I haven't thought ahead about this at all, so bear with me if I ramble a bit.
For end goals, I would like:
-to have lost 25 pounds - i.e. to weigh 148 lbs.
-to be jogging regularly again - and to jog another 10K race in June.
-to be tracking what I eat on a regular basis.
-to fit back into my size 8 clothes
-to not huff and puff when I go up the stairs
-to be able to show my dear children what a healthy diet looks like and what healthy daily choices looks like and what knowing restraint looks like
-to be able to get dressed each day without feeling like nothing fits at all.

Alright, the only way to make those things happen is if I set more specific goals or milestones along the way.  And I must remember to make these goals Specific, Motivational, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound.

• So, to break the 25 pound loss goal into this idea, that would need to be in smaller increments.  So, I kid you not, I think my first goal must be to lose ONE pound.  I'm not even kidding.  That would be a big deal to me right now - since all I feel like I've done for a long, long time is to go up.  So, I want to lose one pound, i.e. be 172 pounds.   After that, I'll up it a tiny bit, but still make it very small, so as not to feel overwhelmed.  So, my next goal will be to lose 2 pounds (i.e. be 170 lbs), then to lose 3 pounds (167 lbs), to lose 4 (163 lbs), to lose 5 (158 lbs).  I will, of course, be re-assessing these goals along the way.
• In order to work towards jogging - I will start with a goal of getting on the treadmill to walk or whatever just 2 times this week.  Weeks start on Mondays and end on Sundays.  Then next week, I'll up it to 3 times.  After that, perhaps, I'll work towards adding in some jogging.  So, my goal is that by the end of March, I'll be used to going on the treadmill 3 times per week, and I will jog for at least 5 minutes in each time.  In April, I will re-assess and add new goals.
• Part of the difficulty I've been having is WHEN to go on the treadmill - I like to do it in the morning, but have been staying up WAAAAAY too late and so, I haven't been doing it.  As such, another goal I'm setting is to be in bed by 10:30 on a regular basis.  Maybe I'll say that on Fridays and Saturdays I can stay up later, but the rest of the week, lights out at 10:30.
• And the tracking goal.  Well, this week, I'd just like to track every single thing I eat - doesn't matter how much I eat - just track it.  Then, next week, I'll try to stay within my weekly allowance with the flex points and stuff.  By the end of March, I'd like to have worked up to tracking every week and staying in my points - and I'd really love to stay within my daily allowance and save my extra flex points all for the weekends or 2 specific cheat-type days.  But for now, just track - no matter what it is.

And it would appear that those are the only measurable, attainable goals that I can set from what I listed at the beginning - if I do these things, then I will very likely lose weight, and the rest will follow. 

My printer is broken right now, but when our replacement comes this week, I will print this list off and put it on the fridge or something to remind myself about this. 

Also, I am hoping to start a weight watchers-type accountability group that meets at my home each week.  My goal for this week is to pin down a day for this and get the plans rolling so that by next week, we could possibly have our first meeting.  If you're interested in joining, please let me know! :)

Thanks for "listening" to me blather on, everyone.  This has been a good mental exercise for me. 

Bad News, Good News

Just thought I'd pop in on my own blog at least once a month to say that I'm still here! And I'm still exercising - I'm up to jogging 4 miles without stopping now, which is a big feat for me!! As a result of all the jogging, I'm definitely finding I'm more hungry, which doesn't help too much with the eating. I've been half-heartedly counting points this month, which is alright, but I'd like to get back to counting more faithfully for sure.

So the bad news? I weighed myself today for the first time in a month - and I weigh the exact same thing I did a month ago. I was hoping that the jogging would result in some good loss of weight. However, the eating has kinda balanced that exercise out, I guess.

And the good news? Is that I weigh exactly what I did a month ago, and not more. :o)

38 Days to Go...

Well, I finally moved on to Day 38 today. That means that I finally wrote down everything I ate yesterday - right till bedtime, and I did some exercise. Phew, I was on Day 39 for way too long there. :o)
On the up side, after putting in this effort, I'm starting to notice some results. I lost 0.4 when I weighed in this week, which is better than nothing! And I'm starting to see it when I look in the mirror, and even just that will help to motivate me to keep going. When I feel successful, I'm more successful, and that is what these 50 days are all about.
So, here we go with Day 38 - the countdown continues.

Still Counting, Still Trying

So here's the thing - I'm still here, and I'm still at it. I'm just a little tired of blogging about it. Hence the nearly 1 month of silence. Sorry.
But, in that month, I have attended Weight Watchers 3 times. The first time, I found out that since June, I had indeed gained about 15 pounds... GRR. But the next week, I went back to find out I'd lost 1.6 that week. yay. Then last week, I went again and found out that I'd lost 0.6 that week.
And so I'm still working at it.
But I just got a phone call telling me I have to leave NOW! :o) so I will go and hopefully it won't be another month till you hear from me...
Just wanted to keep you all posted.

Battling the Mind

So, I've said it before, but I'll say it again... its all in your mind. I can't believe how much my thinking affects my perception of myself, which affects how I act and what I eat and whether I exercise - i.e. I have felt like a failure and therefore when I look in the mirror, I see nothing but fat, and so I eat whatever to comfort myself and don't even bother to exercise.
I KNOW.
It sounds stupid.
But that is the way my brain works and I know its the way a lot of people's brains work - sadly.
So, yesterday, I went to a WW meeting and I didn't want to pay to weigh in cuz I'd already done my weigh in for January, but I decided to be brave and get on the scale before I went. I almost didn't cuz I thought I'd probably gained about 5 pounds over the past 3 weeks -because that's what I thought and I convinced myself when I looked in the mirror that I looked 4 pounds heavier and everything.
But I was brave, and got on that scale, and guess what? I haven't gained anything - at all! I am exactly the same weight I was 3 weeks ago.
I was shocked. Really shocked. And after I found that out, I went and looked in the mirror and suddenly couldn't see that extra fat! How ridiculous!

Anyway, I'm carrying on with my attempts to get my eating/exercise and weight back where I want them. I'm still 8.6 pounds above my WW official goal weight and actually about 20.6 pounds above MY goal weight for myself. I would like to get there one day - lots of people think I'm silly, but I'm not. I would really like to have that buffer between MY goal weight and my WW goal weight, so that if something happens and I start to gain like I have over the past 7 months, that my high weight would still be a healthy weight for me - and one that I can still go to the WW meetings for free!

Okay, so todays points (23 total):
Mini wheats -3
Treadmill +2
yogurt & crackers -2
muffin & cheese -4
coffee -1
1/2 grilled cheese and veggies & elan's leftover icecream cone -5
supper-4
vitamuffin -1
WORK +2
spaghetti and veggies at 11 pm -5
vitamuffin and icecream -3
LEFT: -1

Trying to Track Again

I have been spinning my wheels this month and I have a ton of emotions about it and this whole weight loss/maintenance/weight gain thing... and I have had a new post open on this blog SEVERAL times this month to come and blog about it all, but I just don't even really know what to say. I'm sooooo frustrated, but I really can't give up, or I'll just keep gaining and gaining and easily would be waay heavier than I've even been before, I can just tell.
SO, I'll keep plugging away at it. I was doing really well for the first 2 weeks of January (even lost 0.6 pounds the over the one week where I weighed in), but then our boss gave us a "Christmas Bonus" of 2 weeks of free staff meals to eat while we're working and somehow, in my mind, that translated to "there is no possible way to stay on track while having free delicious boston pizza food and now i have to lose all control"... what can i say... my though processes are just kinda wierd.
BUT, I do want to keep at it - I do want to lose weight and I really don't want to be out of control any more.
SO, I am going to do the one thing that works for me, and that is force myself to track and the only way I can do that is by posting it here for you all to see... I know, its so exciting too... sorry.
Here we go:

Points (24 total):
Froot Loops -4
yogurt -1
chocolate bar -2
latte -2
lunch -6
chocolate chips -1
v itamuffin & whip -2
LEFT: 6

Happy New Years!

I just read this article about surviving New Years Eve and I liked it, so I thought I'd share.

http://www.weightwatchers.ca/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=36631&sc=3046

Check it out!
On a side note, I went to WW on Tuesday and, after allowing myself a Christmas splurge, had gained another 1.6 pounds over the past one month. Which, really isn't bad at all, considering! But the bad part is that I have gained about 1.5 pounds per month for about 7 months now... and that is adding up! SO, I purchased myself some coupons for WW on Tuesday, so that I will be forced to go more often... this way its already paid for, so I don't have to dish out the money and I also don't have to stand in the line to pay before I stand in the line to weigh. So, that will be good. I now have 7.2 pounds to lose to get back to going to the meetings for free. I have 7 coupons left - which I can use one/month or one/week or however often I decide to go. But, I have decieded to get back to weight loss mode and out of "maintenance" mode - which wasn't really working so well for me, anyway!! :o) I wrote everything down yesterday - and didn't even use one bonus point! I'm writing things down today and am planning on using several bonus points tonight, because we have much yummy food planned for new years eve.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today and thought I'd share. I hope you all have a great New Year's Eve and a wonderful year in 2010! :o)

Lessons I'm Learning

Well, today I weighed in for the first time in 5 weeks. Being a lifetime member, I just have to weigh in once every calendar month. Unfortunately, that ended up being a bad thing for me this last month - I gained 2 pounds and ended up being over 2 pounds over my goal weight, and so I had to pay $16.90 because of it. Boo. I have many feelings and much venting that I want to do as a result, but I don't have a lot of time and so I'll just say that I learned that
a) I'm too new at this "maintenance" thing to not be weighing in weekly - if I'd have weighed in sooner, I would have seen that I was gaining sooner, and hopefully put a stop to it sooner
b) I cannot let up at Weight Watchers at all - not even a little bit - or I gain. I have been doing Weight Watchers this month - just with a more relaxed attitude, and I still gained 2 pounds. You might say "oh, its only 2 pounds" but if a person did that every month, you'd gain 25 pounds in one year, 50 pounds after 2 years, and 100 pounds in just 4 years. Yeah. So, that's not okay.
c) Its going to seriously be a lifelong journey of learning how to do this right. Its been over 3 years since I first started weight watchers, and I have gotten better at it in many ways - more knowledgeable at least - but it still doesn't come easy. When you go to meetings and see the thin people weighing in there - don't make assumptions about them. They might be struggling with their eating just as much as you are - they're just at a different stage in their journey. I'm such a food addict and it sucks and I hate having to live with it, but I have to live with it and so I will continue on this journey and try to improve myself slowly over time.

So, I editted my little goal ticker thing over on the right to say that my goal is now to reach the 50 pound loss mark. I was only 0.8 away at one point, but now am 4.2 pounds away. So, instead of trying to get to the 60 pound loss next, I'm gonna break that down to a smaller goal of just 50. I'm going to start this week by ACTUALLY writing down EVERYTHING I eat for the whole week and my goal is to stay within my points. I haven't properly done that for a week since July, so that is my first goal. I'm tired of spinning my wheels (or driving backwards) and so I'm hoping to get a new start this week - even if it is the week Leanne is moving away, and my cat is sick and peeing all over and we have to go to Saskatoon to say good-bye to the house that Trevor's parents have lived in since he was born (cuz his parents are moving to Alberta in September) (and we are happy for them, but its still sad to say good-bye to our saskatoon home too!). Anyway, eating is what comforts me emotionally and I've got a lot of reason to need it this week - but if I do eat for comfort, I'll just keep gaining and that is NOT. OKAY. AT. ALL.

Okay, I'm done venting for now - off to bed with me. Good night Friends. <3

June 10th to 16th

I worked yesterday evening and so I didn't get to go weigh in at WW officially. I did weigh on my scale, however, and seem to have kind of just maintained my weight again this week. GRRRRR. This is especially frustrating because the 2 lovely ladies that I'm doing the sticker challenge with this month seem to be consistently losing every week. And staying on track for 16 - SIXTEEN days in a row hasn't exactly been easy.

However.

I will keep going and this week, I'm going to actually do what I said I was going to do last week - I'm going to cut my FP's down to 28. And I'm actually going to drop my points back 1 per day. I've been doing 23 points per day, but since I'm right on the threshold of dropping down below 150 lbs, I'll be having to drop one point when I officially do. ((for an explanation on how to calculate your daily points, click HERE )) So, I'm just going to go ahead and do that starting now and see if that helps.

Also, just for my own tracking sake, last week's totals were:
WEEKLY Activity Points Earned: 3,3,4,2,1,0,2 (15)
WEEKLY Flex Points Used:14,4,7,2,2,3,3 (35)

So, here we go again with week 3!

June 3rd-9th Week

So, I weighed in yesterday and it was a little loss of 0.4 lbs. I always say a little loss is better than a gain, but in this case, its a wee bit frustrating because I have been doing really well with points counting and exercising for the past week. However, I am definitely retaining right now and I know that has something to do with it. Also, I used ALL 35 of my flex points for last week (and not one more) and I know that for me, I won't lose as much if i use all of them.
SO, this week, I am only going to use 25 FPs - and we'll see what happens.
Just for my own record keeping, last weeks totals were:
WEEKLY Activity Points Earned: 4,3,2,0,2,3,4
WEEKLY Flex Points Used: 2,9,6,7,6,4,1

On to week 2 of being OP!!! :o)

I DID IT!!! (and the flu probably helped...)

:o)
After 14 months, I have finally reached the first goal I set for myself - that was reaching 152 pounds. That meant a loss of 46.2 pounds and that I can now go to WW for free each week because I'm within 2 pounds of my offical WW target weight (which is 150 lbs). This week, I worked hard at it, plus I also had the flu for a while, and so I surpassed that goal (partly due to being dehydrated I'm sure!) My challenge will be to maintain that loss this week as I start to feel better and eat real foods again... we'll see how much of that loss was actually fat!

So, my next goals are:
1. to weigh less than Trevor, who has been 150 pounds since I met him almost 13 years ago. The lowest I've seen him was 145 when he was really sick one time, and the highest I've seen him is 155 - at which point he quickly proceeded to do situps and pushups every night for a week, and lost those extra pounds to get back to his normal weight. So, yeah, he's consistent. And I've always wanted to weigh less than him because doesn't every girl want to be smaller than her man? I've only weighed less than him once before (in the summer of 2007 just when I got pregnant with Elan) and it lasted for all of a couple of months. SO, that is my next goal - to get below whatever he weighs.

2. To get to 150 officially - since that is my official WW goal weight. When I do that, they'll have a little celebration for me at the meeting and I'll get the little charm for my keychain that you get when you reach your goal weight at WW.

3. To reach 148.2 - which will mean a loss of 50 pounds, which is more than I've ever lost before (I lost only 47 pounds the first time around on WW). When you reach 50 pounds, you get a little prize in the meeting at WW as well.

4. My ultimate goal is 138.2 - a loss of 60 pounds and my final destination weight. I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get there, but I'll plug away at it and get there one day.

So, there you have it - my goals for the next while. Thanks for sticking with me over the past 14 months as I've worked toward this first one - I appreciate the accountability you all give me with this here blog. It really really helps to know that someone/anyone is watching what I'm doing. So, thank you! And YAY!

Weds, May 20th

Okay, I'm back at it here.
I actually managed to lose 1.4 pounds last week, and so I'm dangerously close to goal A that was set last year. WOOHOO. I only need to lose 0.6 lbs this week and I'll be going to WW for free! :o)
That being said, I need to stick to it this week, and points counting is what does that for me, so here we go:
oatmeal-3
muffin-3
safeway chips -1
toasted tuna & cheese -3
apple -1
dessert-1
smoothie and snack -2
lasagne, greek salad -8
coffee and vitamuffin -2
TOTAL = -1

This Really Spoke To Me Today

Please go check out this article about our obsession with the scale, and our weight. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I didn't go to WW yesterday cuz I knew the scale wasn't gonna show a loss - but I've been doing really well the past few weeks as far as exercise and lifestyle change goes. So, I'm going to go with the above mentioned article - which you should really really go see - and say that the lifestyle changes and exercise are more important than a scale telling me that my body mass is half a pound less than the week before. That is only one way to measure.
So - go read that article (you can click on the word article here and it will take you right to it... for those of you who didn't know)!

My Thoughts Today

Oh, they are many... my brain is all over the place and I'm driving myself crazy. I had plans for a few different post ideas here, but now I think they're all gonna be jumbled into one.
Lets start with confessions and boasting... I have to tell you that this morning was one of the first times in a while that I ate a bunch out of stress and didn't care. The good news? It was really only 6 points worth... The bad news? I wasn't hungry, I've been doing good lately, and after that little binge, I am tempted to just be mad at myself all day for this, and it spoiled my lunch, which I am now craving even though I'm not hungry - simply cuz it is routine to eat lunch right now. grrr.
Okay, the boasting - I have gotten up before the kids yesterday and today and done my jogging. YAY. I have been slowly boosting the length of the jog and the speed of the jog. So today, I was up to a 5 minute brisk walk, followed by 21 minutes of jogging 5.3 mph and then a 7 minute cooldown walk. So, I'm pretty happy with myself for getting "back on" the exercise bandwagon. I put that in quotes cuz really - last week when I "fell off" the exercise bandwagon - all that meant is that I only jogged 3 times in one week -not 7. Which actually makes me laugh because that is still pretty good. But this week, I'd really like to do it daily, and so that is my goal again.

What else?

I've been feeling fat lately. Not feeling the boosted self esteem that I've talked about here before. Now that could be a symptom that a certain feminine experience is about to occur to me, but it makes me mad. How can I possibly look in the mirror at this body I've worked very hard to get to and see only the fat and the rolls??? Come on, Colleen!!! It just makes me mad that I still feel that. I think I'm going to have to accept that even the thinnest woman in the world could look in the mirror and see fat. That is something I'm going to have to work on with myself. I know that most people don't lose weight and then keep it off and I'd really like to not be one of those people. So one of the battles I'm going to have to fight is in my mind. Well really that is the biggest one. Learning to love myself just for what I am and then take care of this body just because its the right thing to do. But my brain is just so silly.

Anyway, I lost 0.4 last week - which was pretty much what I expected cuz I was bang on program for about half the week and the other half, I did pretty good but not perfectly. These last 4 pounds till my next goal are proving to be difficult! I think its just the lighter you get, the slower it goes. But even a 0.2 loss per week is better than nothing - and is better than a gain!!

So, I will keep on going! Sorry for the long rant. But I feel better getting that off my chest. Happy Thursday, Friends.

Finally Some Results!!

Okay, I weighed in today and I'm finally seeing some results from all my recent hard work. YAY. I lost 2.4 this week -- but I have to say that I gained 0.2 last week - so if you average that out, it was still my pound per week loss. I'm not sure I trusted last week's weigh in.
But whatever. I'm happy to have some affirmation that all of my point counting and attempts at exercising are worth it.

That and today, a guy I know saw me and I smiled and waved at him and he didn't really reply. Then, later Trevor was talking to him and the guy said to Trevor that some chick had smiled and waved at him weird and he didn't know who it was and Trevor said "oh it was probably colleen" and the guy said - no there's no way that was Colleen. And totally wouldn't believe Trevor until I came back in and started talking to him and then it was hilarious to watch his face when he realized it was me - only I had lost weight, got contacts, and got some confidence too. :o) I rather enjoyed it.

And so, I will continue to put what I want MOST first, and not what I want at the moment. We can do this, people. We can do it.

Weigh In

Well, I weighed in at Weight Watchers today and have officially lost a pound... since December 15th. So, while that is a tad frustrating, I have to remember that probably I actually have lost more than that, considering that I probably gained a bit during the holidays.

So, I'm taking it as good news, and I'm gonna keep-a-going, I have 9.4 pounds to lose in 9 weeks. I can do it.