I think its important to note that I am not doing this because I want to lose weight and be 140 pounds (which is supposedly in the middle-ish of my healthy weight range). That's actually not it at all. If I could stay at this weight where I am right now (about 40 pounds over that), I would actually be okay with that too. Its the fluctuating that I hate. And the constantly obsessing about it and thinking about it. That drives me nuts. It was about last September when I realized - DUDE! You only have so many years to live on this earth. I do NOT want to spend all of my time here obsessing about my body! What a waste! There is so much more to think about - so much more good to be done. My brain could be thinking about so much other stuff, instead of counting calories all day long or berating myself for eating something I shouldn't have or fantasizing about what I'll eat next.
Trevor, my dear husband, is quite the opposite of me in this respect. He eats when he's hungry. He eats WHATEVER he wants. He stops when he's full or just past it. His metabolism is through the roof. He has been 150 lbs since I met him 15 years ago. He has had the flu a few times and been down to like 147 and has started working out every now and then to build muscle, and gotten up to perhaps 155, but that is it! No more than a 10 pound fluctuation in 15 years!?!?! And the kicker is that he doesn't even think about it. He has all of his brain space to spend not even worrying one stitch about what he's going to eat or not eat or how many calories something has. SIGH.
So, I am not here to lose weight - but to try to rearrange my thinking about food and about myself. I love the program I'm doing (http://www.firstourselves.org/) because it is teaching me to start out by loving myself where I'm at. To be thankful for what I have. And to not spend all my time (or any time!) yelling at myself in my head. I am loving that. And yes, I have gained a bit of weight as I'm learning not to yell at myself all the time - but that doesn't actually bother me that much. I just want to work through this and try to learn to be kind to myself and perhaps find a way of eating and a lifestyle that makes me happy and that is also healthy. Here's hoping I can make it there - at least it doesn't hurt to dream...
1 comment:
Good for you, Colleen! It's hard not to yell at ourselves when we've been used to doing it all the time.
I feel so compelled to eat ALL of something when I start. It doesn't matter if it's a plate, or a bowl, or a PACKAGE. It's like I just want to get rid of it so I won't have it nagging and haunting me all the time.
I don't know when it started or why. My parents made me clean my plate as a kid, but I think it's deeper than that. I remember not being able to eat after dinner, or lunch, and sneaking food, and gobbling it down real fast so no one would notice. So maybe it was bad habits started early and now they are so ingrained in my brain, they are part of who I am.
To break free or change that, sure would take alot of diligence, and when I try it feels like I'm going against such a CORE piece of who I am, it's a constant struggle. And exhausting!
People say it's hard to be fat and skinny, just choose your hard, but I disagree. I think it's really easy to be fat! lol. Except for all the health problems my BMI will start causing me, sooner rather than later. Just thinking about it just stresses me out, and I feel such a strong desire to lose weight I can't get started because I feel soooo overwhelmed.
So what to do? No idea! Other than to exercise, lift weights, and hope as I do that my eating will start to improve again.
Holidays are so hard, and there's a fleet of birthdays coming up! It feels like if you say 'no thanks, I won't have cake' you're breaking some sort of cosmic, universal truth!
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