Be Kind...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" ~Plato
 
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS LONG AND PROBABLY SOMEWHAT DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW, AS IT WAS WRITTEN AT 4 AM AND WAS WRITTEN MORE AS A JOURNAL ENTRY THAN AS SOMETHING INTENDED FOR OTHERS TO READ)

Karly has all kinds of great quotes in the program I'm doing, and that's one I liked tonight.  Everyone has something they're dealing with. 

I have been realllllly beating myself up this  week - a by-product of  PMS, I think.  And so, when I woke  up at 4:00 with Elan tonight (this morning?), and I was laying in bed, feeling fat, fat, fat - (also by-product of PMS), I decided to come to my laptop and read one of my lessons.  It lead me back to a worksheet from week two on the topic of honesty.  Karly told us to take a few minutes to journal about the following things:

1. Wanting to be advanced and not a beginner
2. Trying to rush your process
3. Playing your edge (referring to something we'd just been learning about before)

I have to say - that is exactly what I'm kinda struggling with right now.  I have only gained weight in the past weeks while working on this new system.  And I know that that is normal, because we are learning to show ourselves compassion first, and then starting to work on how to stop binging and stuff - but I'm only on lesson two - so all I've been learning about is showing myself compassion - which doesn't help you lose weight! haha.  So, I need to focus on pushing through and not beating myself up for exactly the things that she mentioned above - for not being advanced yet and for going to slowly.
Number three above is the one I need to work on in order to really change - playing your edge is referring to picking the things you think you can actually work on each day to make a change.  What I had chosen in the first place was to have no more than three sweet treats a day (like three little chocolates total) and to start exercising again.  I did that for a very short time, but have not continued it.  So, I need to get back to it - or pick a new "edge"  - that place for me that I think is do-able, but also a little uncomfortable, causing me to make a small change from where I'm at right now.  Since it is only three days till Christmas, this is a bit tough.  I want to enjoy the holiday season, without a bunch of self-yelling or anything like that.  I also don't really want to gain 10 pounds in the next 10 days (a very possible reality) - so, I need to figure out what that edge is for me this week. 

Hmmmm.

I think getting  back into doing a little exercise each day is doable - even just a 15 minute walk each day.  And as far as food goes - just for this Christmas season... write it down? (Not permanently, mind you...i've already learned that that doesn't work for me!)  But just as a safety mechanism to get me through without a 10 pound gain?

I haven't weighed myself for well over a month.  And now, I'm a little afraid to - but also, I don't really see the point. I know I've gained a bit, and I'm trying to change. What does that number really matter?  I can tell by looking at myself and by how my clothes fit what is going on with my weight - whether its a gain, a loss, or a stay... I'm thinking (because of the PMS!) that I should not get on the scale this week either.

Oh, and a third part to that edge I think should be to spend a little time each day just going back to my lessons and worksheets and stuff.

This sounds like a lot of work.  Maybe I'm being too tough on myself for December 22nd.  Hmmmm.
I'm going to think about making a realistic "edge" and maybe report back here in the morning (haha, cuz its 5:05 right now, and I've been awake for an hour, and my alarm is going off at 6:35 so I can walk on my treadmill... sigh)

Okay, that was a whole load of babbling - but I guess thats what I'm supposed to do.  Karly said "spend 15 minutes journaling" about those three things I listed above, and I guess I just did!!  It just seems much longer and less interesting than a normal blog post... but I guess thats what I said I was going to do - use this blog as my journal!

And, since you don't proof read journal entries, I'm not going to even proof read this!
(Sorry)

P.S. I have thought about it, and decided against the goal of writing down what I eat - that is one I never seem to be able to do, and so it would be setting myself up for failure.  Not a good plan.  Instead, my "edge" that she wants me to find will be to try to impliment the self-compassion when about to eat something I know I shouldn't (this is a long story, I'll maybe explain to you all sometime)... but for now, its enough to say that that is my plan for the holidays. 
P.P.S If you're still reading this... wow.  haha

WHY I am doing this in the first place...

I think its important to note that I am not doing this because I want to lose weight and be 140 pounds (which is supposedly in the middle-ish of my healthy weight range).   That's actually not it at all.  If I could stay at this weight where I am right now (about 40 pounds over that), I would actually be okay with that too.  Its the fluctuating that I hate.  And the constantly obsessing about it and thinking about it.  That drives me nuts.  It was about last September when I realized - DUDE! You only have so many years to live on this earth.  I do NOT want to spend all of my time here obsessing about my body!  What a waste! There is so much more to think about - so much more good to be done.  My brain could be thinking about so much other stuff, instead of counting calories all day long or berating myself for eating something I shouldn't have or fantasizing about what I'll eat next. 
Trevor, my dear husband, is quite the opposite of me in this respect.  He eats when he's hungry.  He eats WHATEVER he wants.  He stops when he's full or just past it.  His metabolism is through the roof.  He has been 150 lbs since I met him 15 years ago.  He has had the flu a few times and been down to like 147 and has started working out every now and then to build muscle, and gotten up to perhaps 155, but that is it!  No more than a 10 pound fluctuation in 15 years!?!?!  And the kicker is that he doesn't even think about it.  He has all of his brain space to spend not even worrying one stitch about what he's going to eat or not eat or how many calories something has.  SIGH.
So, I am not here to lose weight - but to try to rearrange my thinking about food and about myself.  I love the program I'm doing (http://www.firstourselves.org/) because it is teaching me to start out by loving myself where I'm at.  To be thankful for what I have.  And to not spend all my time (or any time!) yelling at myself in my head.  I am loving that.  And yes, I have gained a bit of weight as I'm learning not to yell at myself all the time - but that doesn't actually bother me that much.  I just want to work through this and try to learn to be kind to myself and perhaps find a way of eating and a lifestyle that makes me happy and that is also healthy.  Here's hoping I can make it there - at least it doesn't hurt to dream...

And also?

I feel as though my progress with the "Heal Overeating: Untangled" (or First Ourselves) has been quite s-l-o-w and I know it is because I haven't been dedicating enough time/effort/attention to working on it.  I bought it two months ago, and have only just started week three of the program.  In the beginning, I was advised to get some accountability, or rather, support partners to help me out.  I kinda chickened out and didn't really try too hard to set something official up for that, and I can tell that that wasn't smart of me. 
SO, like i said in the post below, I think I'm going to use this blog as a place to journal my thoughts (we're supposed to have a journal for this process, but MAN does writing ever take longer than typing!)  and I'm going to ask a few friends to kinda check up on me here every now and then, and also just in general I will know that I have friends who are reading here every now and then as well.
So, I'm going to post this, then post a link to it on facebook to remind people that this blog exists, since I've been ignoring it for like a year, and then I'm going to make myself post here on a somewhat regular basis.  And also, I'm going to perhaps start over with my 12 week program.  And try to actually do each week in a week or two, rather than in a month!  :)
Okay, here we go!

Why People Gain Weight... a video from Dr. Barbara Berkeley

I follow a blog called "Refuse to Regain" and today, there was a very interesting article posted by Dr. Barbara Berkeley with a video lecture (unfortunately it seems to have been recorded in her daughter's bedroom!  haha) that I thought I would share with you.  Barbara is an internist who specializes in the care of overweight and obese patients.  It may be a little long, but I found her take on weight gain to be very interesting - and also a great explanation as to why some people can eat a whole cheesecake without gaining weight, while others merely have to LOOK at that cheesecake to gain 5 pounds.  Anyway, give it a watch if you have some time...

((Okay, apparently the video links just aren't working!! So, here is the link to HER post, where the videos can also be found... http://refusetoregain.com/refusetoregain/2011/12/what-causes-weight-gain-my-take.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+RefuseToRegain+%28Refuse+To+Regain%29&utm_content=Google+International ))

First Ourselves

Hello!  I am thinking about using this blog again in the next while, so I stopped by here this evening to see what its looking like.  :)  If any of you are interested in what I have been up to weight-watching-wise in the past while, you can check out what I've been working on since October at http://www.firstourselves.org/ - I have actually purchased the 12 week program called "Heal Overeating: Untangled" and so far I am really appreciating the new outlook it is helping me to have towards food, overeating, and just myself in general.
One major part of what I'm supposed to do is to get some support, so I'm thinking that I will use this blog partly for that, as well as asking a few people to be my official support partners.
Anyway that is where I'm hanging out these days - at firstourselves.org and just wanted to share! :)

P.S.

I added a fancy weightloss ticker down at the bottom - it is new, and it is starting from the point I'm at right now, this week.  So, it doesn't take any past weight loss into account at all.  I'm just starting here (at 173 pounds) and shooting to lose 25 pounds, down to 148.  I don't have a timeframe set for that... but I'm hoping that I will just start to slowly lose and continually lose till I'm there - no more gaining for me!!! That is the most important thing to me right now.

SMART goal for this week

I weighed in a TOPS last night - lost 0.2 this week.  Guess that's something.  But what I'm here to share is that this week's SMART goal for me is: TO TRACK WHAT I EAT!!!  This has been on my list of goals for a verry verrrrrry long time, but I haven't done it for more than a day here or a day there for the past few months.  I've been rocking the exercise lately, and I know that if I were to actually get my eating under control, the pounds would just melt away because of the exercise I've been doing. 
I've been trying to use WW online to track and for some reason, that's not really working for me.  So, I'm now trying out myfitnesspal.com - which, incidentally, is FREE OF CHARGE!!! Why would I ever stick with WW online and pay money when I could do the same thing for free at myfitnesspal?? I don't know. 
So, this day, today is the first day that i am actually tracking everything - and I'm doing it over there at myfitnesspal.  If you're on there, feel free to add me - colleen_p is me.  I'd love to have you there with me.  :)
And I will report back here on how the tracking is doing - I really really wanna stick with it this time.

Monday

I liked that yesterday got me kickstarted on tracking - I actually prefer to do all my tracking at the weightwatchers' website, so I'm not going to do it here again unless I find that I'm not doing it there again!  I hadn't written anything down today and realized that I was headed towards not tracking again, so I just sat down and thought it through and wrote it all out - so thank you to you invisible forces that are now motivating me to stay on track.  I appreciate it! :)

Sunday, April 10th

I have a whole post I want to write about my goals that I had below - but that's gonna have to wait.  I'm only here today because I NEED to get back on track with my food tracking.  And so, I told my accountability group that I would post my food for today here, and so here I am...

Today, so far, I have eaten:
1 eggo with 1C of diced peaches and 1 TBSP of fatfree cool whip (total of 2 points plus)
3 bites of Elan's eggo with sliced bananas and coolwhip (1 point)
1 "swig" of Elan's 2% milk... maybe 1/8 C? (1 point)
16 or so pita chips (2 point)
3 TBSP hummus (3 points)
1 apple (0 points)
Extreme Pita - Small Whole Wheat Veggie pita with feta cheese and vinagrette and also a cookie (drank water) (total 9 points?)
3/4 of a veggie burger with fat free cheese and bbq sauce (other condiments were 0 pointers) (6 points?)
1/3 C macaroni salad (3 points?)
5C popcorn and coke zero (hmmm...4 points?)
For a total of 31 points
I have 28 per day, with also 49 flex points per week, so I've used all my points, plus 3 flex points today.

SMART Goals

I just read this post HERE about setting SMART goals for oneself.  I found it inspiring and so, I'd like to do the same.  SMART goals are: Specific, Motivational, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound and they are something I haven't set for myself in a very, VERY long time.
I have to say that I joined TOPS last week, and while I'm somewhat excited about the support aspect of that, I have done nothing - NOTHING differently this week to try to lose weight.  Like, no exercise, no tracking of eating (for more than 3 hours each day anyway), and not a lot of restriction on treats and stuff.  And I am hating myself for it, and thinking - if joining a new weight loss program has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to motivate me, what will?? Ugh.
I think that perhaps setting extremely small goals for myself would be a start.  So, I will brainstorm about that here.  I haven't thought ahead about this at all, so bear with me if I ramble a bit.
For end goals, I would like:
-to have lost 25 pounds - i.e. to weigh 148 lbs.
-to be jogging regularly again - and to jog another 10K race in June.
-to be tracking what I eat on a regular basis.
-to fit back into my size 8 clothes
-to not huff and puff when I go up the stairs
-to be able to show my dear children what a healthy diet looks like and what healthy daily choices looks like and what knowing restraint looks like
-to be able to get dressed each day without feeling like nothing fits at all.

Alright, the only way to make those things happen is if I set more specific goals or milestones along the way.  And I must remember to make these goals Specific, Motivational, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound.

• So, to break the 25 pound loss goal into this idea, that would need to be in smaller increments.  So, I kid you not, I think my first goal must be to lose ONE pound.  I'm not even kidding.  That would be a big deal to me right now - since all I feel like I've done for a long, long time is to go up.  So, I want to lose one pound, i.e. be 172 pounds.   After that, I'll up it a tiny bit, but still make it very small, so as not to feel overwhelmed.  So, my next goal will be to lose 2 pounds (i.e. be 170 lbs), then to lose 3 pounds (167 lbs), to lose 4 (163 lbs), to lose 5 (158 lbs).  I will, of course, be re-assessing these goals along the way.
• In order to work towards jogging - I will start with a goal of getting on the treadmill to walk or whatever just 2 times this week.  Weeks start on Mondays and end on Sundays.  Then next week, I'll up it to 3 times.  After that, perhaps, I'll work towards adding in some jogging.  So, my goal is that by the end of March, I'll be used to going on the treadmill 3 times per week, and I will jog for at least 5 minutes in each time.  In April, I will re-assess and add new goals.
• Part of the difficulty I've been having is WHEN to go on the treadmill - I like to do it in the morning, but have been staying up WAAAAAY too late and so, I haven't been doing it.  As such, another goal I'm setting is to be in bed by 10:30 on a regular basis.  Maybe I'll say that on Fridays and Saturdays I can stay up later, but the rest of the week, lights out at 10:30.
• And the tracking goal.  Well, this week, I'd just like to track every single thing I eat - doesn't matter how much I eat - just track it.  Then, next week, I'll try to stay within my weekly allowance with the flex points and stuff.  By the end of March, I'd like to have worked up to tracking every week and staying in my points - and I'd really love to stay within my daily allowance and save my extra flex points all for the weekends or 2 specific cheat-type days.  But for now, just track - no matter what it is.

And it would appear that those are the only measurable, attainable goals that I can set from what I listed at the beginning - if I do these things, then I will very likely lose weight, and the rest will follow. 

My printer is broken right now, but when our replacement comes this week, I will print this list off and put it on the fridge or something to remind myself about this. 

Also, I am hoping to start a weight watchers-type accountability group that meets at my home each week.  My goal for this week is to pin down a day for this and get the plans rolling so that by next week, we could possibly have our first meeting.  If you're interested in joining, please let me know! :)

Thanks for "listening" to me blather on, everyone.  This has been a good mental exercise for me. 

Well, Hello There!

I canNOT believe that its been three and a half months since I have posted here!!  Honestly, that is insane.  One might be lead to believe that I have given up altogether on WW and that I am gaining weight hopelessly.  Thankfully, that is not the case.  I have been plugging away since November - doing what was my best at the time to eat what I should and still live my life.  And the result has been to maintain the weight I was in November.
I joined Weight Watchers Online in November, and honestly I have really been liking it for many reasons.  However, the reason that I initially joined was to find a support group of people who would hold me accountable and stick with me, and that is the one thing I am not impressed with the WW online for.  I feel like a total island - no one knows I'm there, and so I could disappear and no one would care or call me on it.  And that is not good.  So, that is something I'm still searching for me in my life - an accountability system (of people who are like me or who understand what it is like). 
But the thing I DO like about WW online is the way it is set up for tracking what you eat and when you exercise and how it calcluates point for you - especially the way it calculates points even of recipes you make and things. There is no more excuse to not know the number of points of something you're eating!  I love that.
Anyway, that is what I have been up to around here.  I was recently inspired to start blogging about my weight loss/food addiction issues again by a blog I came across called Diary of a Fat Dad.  It is inspiring to me that he lays it all out there for the world to read and is honest about his thoughts and feelings.  I admit that I have often used this blog as a place to post when I'm doing well, or close to doing well - and not so much when I struggle.  But that is HARD to do - to lay it all out there.  I have been inspired to try anyway.  But for now, I'm just here - making sure my blog hasn't disappeared - and saying hello.   I'm not committing to anything yet, just saying that I'm thinking about it! 
Oh, and p.s. another blog I'm loving these days is a friend of mine's from high school - she's on a mission to turn herself into a slim and muscular goddess or something! :)  You can check her blog out here - called Chunky Monkey: Slaying the Fat Monster.  :)
That's it for now!