Still Here - Doing Okay I Think

Okay, I think the title says it all actually. I'm still here, still plugging away and doing okay. We'll see how weigh in is on Tuesday.
Just thought I'd let you know that I'm not hiding - just busy.
:o)
Have a good week, friends!

Okay, Okay ... I'm Back

Phew ... the past week has been pretty crazy for my WW self. Last Thursday and Friday, I totally rocked. I baked a cake and 4 dozen cupcakes, and iced them all WITHOUT HAVING ONE SINGLE LICK of icing.

For me, that is a small - no wait - a HUGE miracle.

I'll tell you how I did it. I knew that I would undoubtedly end up eating gobs of icing on those 2 days while I was baking, and didn't want to. So, I suddenly realized - I DON'T HAVE TO! But I knew I would need some pretty good motivation.

So, I went shopping on Thursday, and bought myself a nice new top (for $9.99) and said that if I didn't snitch - even a taste - then I could keep the top and wear it to Elan's party on Saturday. If I DID snitch, I had to return the top to the store.

Well, it worked.

However, note to self: next time you have a great idea like this, make sure it covers ALL the bases. I probably should have said something more like - if I didn't overeat on cake or icing at all while said item was in the house, then I'd get a reward.

Because, after I succeeded and had already worn the top, I totally proceeded to snitch way too much leftover cake on Sunday and Monday. Boo.

I spent a few days spinning my wheels and feeling gross, but have now kicked it back into gear and hope to stay on program for the rest of this week!! It drives me NUTS how my mind works according to the Weight Watchers week - I didn't get back on track until Wednesday, cuz thats when my WW week starts. Oh well. At least I have a WW week to kick me back on track.

So, I've gotten back on the treadmill yesterday and today, and only went one point over yesterday. I'm hoping to stay within my points today and get a star for that too.

And there you have it, my crazy week summed up for you.

Oh, one more thing. I started doing some childcare last week to make some more money for us. I'll be doing it 3 days per week from now on. And I realized that THAT is also something very tough for me - cuz when I'm stressed out with the kids, I go to food. And with a 9 month old, 12 month old, 3 and 3/4 old, and 3 and a half year old, I do have moments of stress. Many. So, that's my new thing to work on - not eating to comfort myself while the extra kids are here. I'll try to keep you posted on how thats going too.

Happy Thursday Everyone!

My Report Back

Okay, so I did it - I got up even earlier this morning in order to get on the treadmill and it worked for the most part. Elan still woke up in the middle, but 25 minutes in, instead of 5 minutes in, so that's not so bad. I still managed to finish my 3 point jog. And now I'm on target for my points so far today. I WILL NOT fall off this bandwagon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there.

I can do it. (And you can too).

Confession Time

Ugh.
I ate SO MUCH food today. Its not even funny. And I know it started out being stress-related. Then it was "oh, I've already screwed up, I might as well enjoy a "day off"" Then it was "Holy Cow! I suck!" (which led me to eat more) and so on.
Icky.
And since today is the start of my WW week, I have to be very careful not to let that mindset carry on to thinking that I've already messed this week up and I might as well wait till next week to be good again. Especially considering the birthday cake temptation issue that will be showing up tomorrow and hanging out for a few days.
Ack.
I must start fresh tomorrow morning. For me, that's gonna hafta mean getting on the treadmill EARLY. I've gotten up early to jog 2 out of the last 3 mornings, and 5 minutes into it, Elan has woken up both times and I've had to quit.
Argh.
So, tomorrow, I guess I'll get up even earlier! Which will be tricky - cuz Trev is going to work at 1:00 this morning. So, he won't be here to help me wake up. But, I can do this. If I jog, I'll feel good about myself and that will prompt me to eat right.
(Sigh)
I'll report back to you all tomorrow.

Which One to Choose??

As I was eating my lunch the other day, I got to thinking about how the "new version" of Weight Watchers has some really good points. One of them is to try to always choose foods that are going to fill you up for longer instead of smaller foods that are the same points value. A good example of this is the lunch I was eating that day. It was 4 points and left me feeling absolutely stuffed!! 1 point of strawberries, 2 points of omlette - I used only egg whites and some fat free cheese, and 1 point of toast - 2 peices of whole wheat WW bread is only 1 point. It was an awesome meal.

On the other hand, I could have chosen to have 2 of the cookies that were in my cupboard tempting me. They were the noname version of oreos and are 2 points each - for a total of 4 points.

Which of those choices has more calories?? Neither. Which one will make me fatter?? Neither. Which one will make me feel fuller for longer?? Well, that seems obvious.

I'm trying desperately to remember this "rule" as I'm deciding what to eat from day to day, but it can be tough. Sometimes, all I want is some of the nastily delicious mudpie brownie ice cream that is currently in our freezer!!! (4 points of that would only be a QUARTER CUP of icecream - or 4 tablespoons...) (ACK).

So, I try. This is going to be a tough week for me because we're having Elan's bday party this weekend and I'm making a couple of cakes and CAKE with ICING is my most nastiest temptation. I just want to eat and eat and eat. So, I'm gonna try to exercise a lot and not eat any bonus points all week except for that day. We'll see how I do...

The Difference A Year Can Make!

See how my baby and I have changed since a year ago this evening?? I think we're both much happier with our bodies today!! :o) But I sure was happy a year ago this evening too. Happy Birthday Baby Doll!

What Was it I Wanted to Say??

I've been thinking that I've had so many posts mulling around in my head lately that I'd have to do one a day until they're all accomplished. But I can't even remember them. Okay, no wait - there are a couple of ideas coming back to me - but its waaay too late to sit and type them out right now, so I'll just say hope you all have a good week this week.

It's Elan's 1st birthday tomorrow - and I was thinking about how a year ago right now, I weighed something like 70ish pounds more than I do right now! Crazy. I did NOT enjoy being 3rd trimester pregnant AT ALL. I'm so glad I'm not pregnant any more!! :o)

A Little Bragging

Well. Today my dad, grandma, and sister came to visit and we had some birthday cake after lunch. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD AND ELAN!!) Anyway, the cake was a lot more points than I am allowed at the noon meal ever. Well, I thought to myself "Today is thrown out the window! Oh Well!!" But after they left, I FELT LIKE JOGGING, so I got on the treadmill and did my daily jog.
Then, we went to BK for supper, and I have to tell you - I wasn't hungry, so I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING. Yeah. I just had a coffee while my family ate burgers and fries. Yeah.
Then, when we got home later, I was getting hungry so I had a WW version of PB&J for 3 points and that was that. I have to say I think I might have made up for my lunch!!
I'm just astonished at myself.

Wow, that was a boastful post. Sorry. But I had to share.
:o)

My Thoughts Today

Oh, they are many... my brain is all over the place and I'm driving myself crazy. I had plans for a few different post ideas here, but now I think they're all gonna be jumbled into one.
Lets start with confessions and boasting... I have to tell you that this morning was one of the first times in a while that I ate a bunch out of stress and didn't care. The good news? It was really only 6 points worth... The bad news? I wasn't hungry, I've been doing good lately, and after that little binge, I am tempted to just be mad at myself all day for this, and it spoiled my lunch, which I am now craving even though I'm not hungry - simply cuz it is routine to eat lunch right now. grrr.
Okay, the boasting - I have gotten up before the kids yesterday and today and done my jogging. YAY. I have been slowly boosting the length of the jog and the speed of the jog. So today, I was up to a 5 minute brisk walk, followed by 21 minutes of jogging 5.3 mph and then a 7 minute cooldown walk. So, I'm pretty happy with myself for getting "back on" the exercise bandwagon. I put that in quotes cuz really - last week when I "fell off" the exercise bandwagon - all that meant is that I only jogged 3 times in one week -not 7. Which actually makes me laugh because that is still pretty good. But this week, I'd really like to do it daily, and so that is my goal again.

What else?

I've been feeling fat lately. Not feeling the boosted self esteem that I've talked about here before. Now that could be a symptom that a certain feminine experience is about to occur to me, but it makes me mad. How can I possibly look in the mirror at this body I've worked very hard to get to and see only the fat and the rolls??? Come on, Colleen!!! It just makes me mad that I still feel that. I think I'm going to have to accept that even the thinnest woman in the world could look in the mirror and see fat. That is something I'm going to have to work on with myself. I know that most people don't lose weight and then keep it off and I'd really like to not be one of those people. So one of the battles I'm going to have to fight is in my mind. Well really that is the biggest one. Learning to love myself just for what I am and then take care of this body just because its the right thing to do. But my brain is just so silly.

Anyway, I lost 0.4 last week - which was pretty much what I expected cuz I was bang on program for about half the week and the other half, I did pretty good but not perfectly. These last 4 pounds till my next goal are proving to be difficult! I think its just the lighter you get, the slower it goes. But even a 0.2 loss per week is better than nothing - and is better than a gain!!

So, I will keep on going! Sorry for the long rant. But I feel better getting that off my chest. Happy Thursday, Friends.

Made For Keeps Blog Giveaway

Hey, here is a fun giveaway I found through my friend Shayne's blog - click here to check it out! You can enter to win a fun prize. If you are into stampin up or card making - this blog is for you!
Just thought I'd share. :o)

REASON TEN - To Be In Control

I hate the feeling of being out of control. Like when I'm in the kitchen at 10 pm and not actually hungry, but am stuffing my face like a maniac while no one is watching. I am not in control at that point. Or while I'm preparing supper and then cleaning up after supper, the constant picking at the food and snitch, snitch, snitching. It drives me nuts. I drive myself nuts doing that. And I am not in control.

When I am living out of control, I gain weight. Or at least certainly don't lose weight. I think about food constantly and, I am embarrassed to admit, often hide what I'm eating from other people. I act like an addict. Because thats what I am - a food addict. It amazes me how much I can identify with friends I have or have had who are trying to recover from other addictions - drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. I think that the behaviours of addicts are in many ways universal. You just substitute what the object of the addiction is.

That is one reason that I have named this blog "A Lifelong Journey" - because I know that I will have to be working at this forever. I'm not just here for the weight loss - I'm here because of my addiction to food. This will be something I have to be conscious of all the days of my life.

So, the last reason on my top ten list is that I want to be in control. It feels good to be in control - not to have the food control me, but for me to control it. Things like throwing away the last 2 bites of cheese burger because I'm not hungry anymore, or not snitching brownie batter while I'm baking them because I don't have the points for it, or getting on the treadmill to jog even when I totally don't feel like it - because I know it is good for me and healthy for me and I will feel better when I'm done jogging. Those are things I never would have imagined would make me feel good - or that I could even do. But I have done them more and more lately and am amazed at how great I feel as a result.

Its funny cuz Trevor said to me a few weeks ago "You know what is most attractive about the new you, Colleen? ... Its your self-control."

Huh.

Not how I look!

Nice. Cuz, truthfully, having self-control is probably one of my most important reasons for me to be doing this. So I'm glad that its working.

I WILL KEEP ON GOING!! Only 3.6 pounds till I can go to WW for free! 5.6 pounds till my WW goal weight, about 11 pounds till I pass my lowest weight ever, and 17.8 pounds till my ultimate goal. I CAN DO IT!

REASON NINE - To Shop In Regular Stores

For most of my life (since, I don't know, maybe grade 9?), I have been a size 16 or 18. There were a couple of years there that I was probably more like a 20. As a result, I did most of my shopping in high school and after at Cotton Ginny Plus, and other similar type places - stores that were merged with "normal size" clothes, so I wouldn't feel like I was shopping in a plus sized store - but really I was shopping in plus sized stores. And for pretty much my whole life, I couldn't just go into stores like Suzy Sheer, Smart Set, La Senza, Le Chateau, Bootlegger, the Gap, and others - except maybe for a freak chance where a size XL would be hiding somewhere and would just maybe fit me. Shopping was always stressful, never fun, and always made me feel fat and bad about myself. (As a side note, I think that's probably why I'm not a "girly" shopper - I don't like to linger and shop around and try things on. The first thing I try that works is the one I go home with. This bugs my mom, but I just can't stand spending an entire day in a mall. Drives me nuts. Sorry Mom)
ANYWAY, as I started to lose weight on Weigh Down (back in 2001) and then again on WW in 2006, I started to see that there is hope that one day I'll be able to go into a store, grab my size, and hardly have to try it on. And this has actually happened to me recently a few times. I bought my size Medium exercise clothes without even trying them on. And a few other things too. Crazy.
So, being able to shop with more ease and at "regular" stores is one of the huge perks and motivaters for me on this journey. I'm loving being closer to my goal weight and finding things to fit. Actually, a new problem is arising - and that is that very often, the size Medium clothes are the ones that sell first, and so I'm finding that my size is usually the one that is missing first in the store (wheras, size XL seems to be more easy to find...) But I'll take that problem anyday. :o)
Anyway, I'm looking forward to when I finally am at my FINAL goal (which is 138 lbs, by the way). I'm going to go on a huge shopping spree. In the cool stores. LE CHATEAU here I come! I never even used to have the self-confidence to step into Le Chateau... so dumb. So, I will go into those stores and I will buy the rockinest outfits ever. All I have to do is KEEP ON GOING. I can do this.

REASON EIGHT - To Be Like Leanne

I know I recently did a whole post on this - so I'm not gonna reapeat myself here. But I wrote this 'top 10 reaons I want to lose weight' list back in January, before I wrote that other post. And its true - it motivates me a lot to want to look like Leanne and to know that if my sister can be thin, so can I (DAGNABIT!) because we have the exact same genes. There's no reason I can't be the same as her - and I will be soon.
:o)

REASON SEVEN - For My Health

You know, you hear it all the time that being overweight causes a ton of health problems, but as an overweight person, that didn't really get through to me. It was only after I started to lose the weight the first time around that I realized that this would be good for my health for real. That and exercising - I'm so glad that I'm starting to get into it, because I just keep hearing more and more how keeping trim and exercising will help you to live longer and avoid a ton of different health problems. So, I can now say that my health is actually a motivator for me to continue to do this right.
I saw an awesome episode of Oprah during the week of her "Oprah's Best Life" series, where they talked about Health as the topic - you can read more about it by clicking here. I still have the episode saved on my DTVR because it was so interesting and informative. There is so much I don't know about my body and science and whats good for me. Its something I'm starting to become more and more interested in.
Anyway, our health is actually very important - I think we all tend to put it last - but if we don't take care of our bodies, and they fail us - all of the other priorities would be for nothing. We need these bodies we're in and so we must treat them with care.

p.s. Is what you want at the moment best for your body? Don't give up what you want most!!!

REASON SIX - For My Husband

I know that losing weight for other people is the wrongest possible motivation and so I'd just like to clarify that I obviously have many of my OWN reasons for this weight loss - as you can see from the 8 out of 10 reasons I'll be listing that have nothing to do with other people! :o) Also, you all know cuz I've said it before that Trevor is totally supportive of me and never has made me feel like I had to lose weight in order to be beautiful to him or anything silly like that. He totally loves me no matter what. (And I know that cuz I weighed much much more than I do now when he met me and when we were dating and when we got married!!!) So, that is awesome for me.
But still, I want to be the kind of wife that he is proud to show off (and of course, he'll always say that he's always been proud to show me off... ) but you know - its in my head to want to make him proud. ((if you haven't read yesterday's post about his co-worker not recognizing me, you should - its a good example of me being happy to make Trevor proud)). And secondly, I want to lose weight to be more ... well... (all family members please PLUG YOUR EARS!) ... to be more sexy. shhh. Don't tell anyone I said that. :o) But its true that losing weight and having more confidence are a definite bonus and I'm just saying...
And thirdly in this area - I've ALWAYS weighed more than Trevor excepting for a few months right before I got pregnant with Elan - and I've always wished to be "his little woman" if you know what I mean. And so, that is something else I'm motivated to work towards. I weigh 155.8 right now and as I've mentioned, he's usually 150 - but max 155 - so I'm ALMOST there again. And the day I weigh less than him, I'm gonna have a little party - cuz that's always been something I've wanted.
So, those are my thoughts about my motivation to lose weight in relation to my husband.
AND REMEMBER...
:o)
hee hee, I don't think I even have to type it - cuz you all know what I'm going to say!!

LETS NOT GIVE UP WHAT WE WANT MOST FOR WHAT WE WANT AT THE MOMENT!

Happy Wednesday Friends.

Finally Some Results!!

Okay, I weighed in today and I'm finally seeing some results from all my recent hard work. YAY. I lost 2.4 this week -- but I have to say that I gained 0.2 last week - so if you average that out, it was still my pound per week loss. I'm not sure I trusted last week's weigh in.
But whatever. I'm happy to have some affirmation that all of my point counting and attempts at exercising are worth it.

That and today, a guy I know saw me and I smiled and waved at him and he didn't really reply. Then, later Trevor was talking to him and the guy said to Trevor that some chick had smiled and waved at him weird and he didn't know who it was and Trevor said "oh it was probably colleen" and the guy said - no there's no way that was Colleen. And totally wouldn't believe Trevor until I came back in and started talking to him and then it was hilarious to watch his face when he realized it was me - only I had lost weight, got contacts, and got some confidence too. :o) I rather enjoyed it.

And so, I will continue to put what I want MOST first, and not what I want at the moment. We can do this, people. We can do it.

REASON FIVE - My Children

(I had written a post earlier today that has disappeared through a series of silly events, and so I'm stuck writing a quick re-cap instead!)

MY CHILDREN are one of my biggest motivators for this weight loss journey - for 3 main reasons:

1. I want to ensure that they learn to develop a healthy relationship with food, calories, fat, treats, exercise, and with themselves. I want them to learn to take care of themselve, but not to obsess about it. And I want to lead by example.

2. I want them to be proud of their Mama (even though they probably would be proud of me, regardless of how I look).

3. I want to have the energy required to keep up with them and to have fun with them - playing outside and stuff -not just telling them to exercise and play, but doing it with them.

I love those kids and I want to be the best Mommy possible for them - and for me that means pulling my food-addicted exercise-loathing self together and learning how to be a better person for myself first. Then I can share that with them.

xo

REASON FOUR - To Have Energy

I don't know how many of you have had the experience of losing weight. If you have, then you'll understand when I say that by losing weight you automatically have more energy. I think a big part of this is that everything you do when you're overweight is like having a bunch of dumbells attached to your body. For me - having lost 40 pounds - means that 11 months ago, I would have been walking around with 8 different 5 pound weights duct taped to my limbs and torso. That's a lot of weight! I just did my sculpting exercise routine, and used my 5 pound weights, and I can't imagine having 8 of those attached to me all day - while doing laundry, while walking up the stairs, while wrestling with my children, while doing the dishes, while carrying my 23 pound baby around in addition!! Now, how about those people that have lost 75 pounds, 100 pounds, or more!! WOW.
Anyway, all that is to say that losing weight gives me more energy. It's so much easier to do those daily tasks now, without the extra pounds weighing me down. In addition to that - the exercise I've been doing also gives me energy. If I get up in the morning and go on my treadmill before anything else, I will inevitably have a better, more energetic attitude and outlook that day.
So, that is reason number 4 for me. I love having more energy. And so, I will keep-a-going.

(DO NOT GIVE UP WHAT YOU WANT MOST FOR WHAT YOU WANT AT THE MOMENT!) (DO NOT GIVE UP WHAT YOU WANT MOST FOR WHAT YOU WANT AT THE MOMENT!) (DO NOT GIVE UP WHAT YOU WANT MOST FOR WHAT YOU WANT AT THE MOMENT!) (DO NOT GIVE UP WHAT YOU WANT MOST FOR WHAT YOU WANT AT THE MOMENT!)